Problems & Porch Lights
I would only stay home long enough to feel ready. I got the confidence back I lost. Felt capable again. Tasted the forgiveness and love I craved. Then I’d go back out, on my own, slowly deviating from the path I was told to walk. Why? Why would I stay just long enough to get a yes to my asking, “Am I good enough?”, & just like the prodigal, I’d take that inheritance [that security, peace, assurance, gift, love, provision, hope…], then piss it all away. Again & again this cycle has been the single most consistent pattern to my life. I would run back to God for him to welcome me home, throw a party, & be reminded that I’m loved. But once I got what I needed, got my fix, I would clean him out on my way out of town heading back to all my regular bullshit. Textbook addict behavior.
The cycle would roughly follow the same: I’d fuck up > I’d need help > Thanks for the bailout > I’d leave “home” > Repeat. I’ve spent years, even still, dealing with the byproduct of patterns and habits; deep spiritual issues. Why? I kept leaving home.I didn’t remain. I failed to abide. I stopped staying. And the cycle would begin again. I’d make a mess of my life [my finances, relationships, parenting, marriage, health, priorities, discipline, etc], get either darkly depressed or stuck in a fear > control > rage loop, come back to the Father to ask, “Am I good enough?”. I would barely wait long enough for His yes before I was out the door again - “K. Thanks. Byeeeeeee.” Why am I unable to to stay? Why can’t I just stay? If the one thing I desire most is to know I am good enough, worth loving, why do I consistently leave the One behind whose answer has always been yes?
Because, I’ve learned it’s a trick. I’m going to need to perform to earn a maybe, & that’s if I even get a response. It’s crushing when the one person you want to answer your questions isn’t even listening. “Dad, am I good enough?” Crickets. He’s not even paying attention. He was too distracted & tortured by his own bullshit constantly yelling in his ear he couldn’t hear his own kid’s apprehensive invitation to love. And when he would, the answer was rarely a maybe, but usually a no. It wasn’t the words, it was the action - or lack thereof. Yes, I was wounded by word like we all are, but it was the indifference that no matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough to even earn acknowledgement, let alone attention. It wasn't important enough, intriguing enough, exciting enough, distracting enough, loud enough to be heard over his internal noise. I wasn’t enough. So why, if the only thing I have to offer is myself, would I offer THAT to the Father? It’s not good enough. What I have to offer isn’t worth giving. And the yeses had been so few and far between, almost immediately snuffed out by the impending maybe or no, why would I stick around only to for it to be confirmed that I am not good enough? Take that yes, take that inheritance, & get the fuck out of there before you’re hurt again.
Remain - Grafted to Him; In Him, with Him. Abide - Make yourself at home. Stay. Whenever I leave “home” I’m no longer with him. How on earth would I be able to hear his voice? So now, with my question not receiving a response at all, I crave yeses from anything, anyone willing to pay attention. Perform. Look at me. What about now? Am I good enough now? What about now? Now? Each desperate, frantic, clinging attempt to change who & how I am hoping that anything or anyone will finally say yes. But really, I should have never left.
Umm… What’s a prodigal?
The tired, strung-out, exhausted, the broke and broken, you black-sheeps, losers, & failures, addicts, the haves and have-nots, the got your shit together, perfect train-wrecks, the can-do-nothing-right & the can-do-nothing-wrong, you silently suffering or wondering why you’re pissed off all the time, binge eaters, gym freaks, grinders, & “influencers”, fakers, codependent, perfectionists, overbearing control freaks… Do I need to go on?
It’s you. You are. I am. Get over it.
Jesus is the porch light showing us prodigals the way home so the Father can welcome us home. And before I can even finish asking “Am I…” the Father interrupts and replies “Yes, and…”
Don’t miss the dot dot dot. Whatever your questions is, whatever your longing desire is, the answer is yes, AND. His love doesn't stop at just answering the question we want. That’s the kind of Father-love Jesus is trying to bring us to.
If my “Am I…?” is found in anything other than the I AM, I will always be needing to prove my worth by doing.
This is your homework
Complete the following - “If my ‘Am I _______?’ is answered with a no, I will always need to ______________ by _____________.” That questions is usually internally turned into an accusation against ourselves. “I suck at…”. “I’m not capable of…”. “I feel/don’t feel…”.
If you need someone to bounce thoughts or ideas off of, I would love to listen. Shoot me a message. It stays between us.
May you and I remain home long enough to be reminded and want to stay.
